Soft front, strong back. Take a moment to let that expression in. What does that feel like in your body? Soft front, strong back. Joan Halifax, Buddhist teacher and founder of Upaya Zen Center, coined this expression and explains that having a strong back and soft front “is about the relationship between equanimity and compassion.”
What is the strength in equanimity and compassion? Equanimity means standing calmly yet alertly in the face of turbulence. Compassion means keeping an open heart and mind in harsh conditions. Why would we want to keep an open heart and mind in harsh conditions? Because love, tenderness, softness, sensuality, joy, warmth and beauty are key life experiences and if you spend all of your time in survival mode, unable to experience the sweetness of life, then you are missing out on half of the equation.
We have ample opportunities to practice equanimity and compassion in real life with work colleagues, children, family members, spouses or significant others, neighbors or people in positions of authority. Imagine having an argument with your spouse or partner, for example, on parenting. You each dig your heels into your side of the argument creating gridlock. What if your partner changed course and listened to your side and echoed your words? What if they acknowledged that they understood your perspective, even if they didn’t wholeheartedly agree with it? All of a sudden, a little breathing room opens up in the space. And if you do the same for them, then together you’ve created a new foundation from which to connect.
Compassion and equanimity create a safe space, both internally and externally, and having a strong spine and a solid sense of self creates a solid foundation from which to have an open heart. We know that we can rely on ourselves if we are disappointed, hurt or betrayed by someone or if life throws a curve ball. We all experience pain but we don’t have to add suffering with reactivity.
Compassion and open-heartedness are relational. These qualities allow us to connect at the human level and to see the value in all beings. Seeing with softer eyes lets us look beyond the surface of what we see. It allows us to appreciate the profound beauty of a neighborhood tree canopy or the tender smile between a parent and child. Seeing with softer eyes permits us to enjoy the lovable silliness of a pet dog or to be fascinated by the full moon. Seeing with softer eyes shows us life’s treasures, which are easy to miss if we are constantly worried, anxious, exhausted, depressed or cynical.
Humans are deeply uncomfortable with uncertainty or the unknown. This is when protective layers are put in place, in some cases rightly so, but in most cases we can go overboard with self-protection and defensiveness. As you build your soft front, strong back, you’ll feel more at ease opening your heart a little more even if it seems counter-intuitive or outside of your comfort zone.
Connect to a neighbor, make a new friend, participate in a community event. You are not too old. You don’t have to be too busy. You can activate new energy in your life.
If you are exhausted and overwhelmed, create more space in your life. Say “no” more frequently. Slow down and schedule fewer things to do. Replace FOMO (fear of missing out) with FOOS (fear of over-scheduling)!
In a capitalist world of inequality, which demands excessive productivity, creating space and spaciousness in and around you are acts of strength and defiance. It creates an invitation to others to slow down and become aware of our surroundings, to appreciate what is happening in this moment and to start to see our social conditioning more clearly.
It is possible to exist in an imperfect world and still love and appreciate it. Look at your imperfect city, state or country with softer eyes, knowing that even though there is plenty of room for improvement, the facts still exist of the beauty in the seasons, the vast intelligence of nature itself and the earnest efforts of people working to make your community a better place every day. As Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
Take the next minute or two to think about what you appreciate in your surroundings. Do you see something beautiful or sweet or loving in your environment? Take an extra 10 seconds to absorb that and feel it. Take it in and savor it and keep looking for and absorbing moments like these.
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